Disheartened. Dissatisfied.

I'm having one of those days.
One of those lonely, frustrating, busted up days.
I'm glad I started blogging again because it feels good to be able to talk to you all and know that there are other people out there just as lonely as me. But sometimes I really wish I could talk to my friend about this. But I'm afraid she'll look at me differently. I know she would never judge and she's been through some crap as well but I think I just want people to see me the way I want to be seen. As a normal, happy, upbeat person. Just sometimes it gets so difficult to keep suppressing everything. idk idk, guess I just needed to let that out!
Maybe it's just because I STILL don't have any scales, so all I can do is hope that the number will be smaller when I next weigh in. Which will hopefully be tomorrow, if I can buy scales today.
We also have the hospitality training at work today. They take a few of us out for dinner and we observe what good hospitality looks like. God only knows how much I'm going to have to eat. And my friends at work are all big drinkers. I mean, I drink a lot sometimes too but I've been trying to cut down so tonight is probably going to be pretty boozy. Maybe it's a good think I can't weight myself before and after. That would be depressing.

On a lighter note, my jeans feel a lot bigger than before. WIN. And my belt now buckles two holes further than before :D about darn time.

Hope you're all having a good day,
stay strong!

Rachel x

p.s. There's a tumblr I've been following for a while, by this girl called Tricia Gosingtian, she's a fashion blogger and photographer and she posts pictures of all her outfits on tumblr. Her clothes are amazing and she is really beautiful. Check her out:

Tricia Gosingtain

htmlet me just stop you there while I go jump of that bridge.

Today is not a good day. For four reasons:

1. In my course we have to learn html (the code for building a website) and it's REALLY hard. I'm not a programmer, I have no trouble designing what I want my website to look like but when it comes to writing the code I have no idea what my tutor is saying. Guuuh.

2. I found out I have to go out for a 'hospitality dinner' with my work tomorrow. It's basically a kind of training, they take some of us out for dinner and we have to observe what good service looks like. I really wanted to avoid eating out for a while because I just feel bad afterwards. And also we don't know where we are going so I can't even check to see if they have nutritional info on the internet. 

3. My flatmate told people in my class I'm now a vegan. Which isn't true, it's six days a week and not permanent. My class friends won't make jokes for long but I'm just mad that she told them such an unnecessary thing. she can be really insensitive sometimes.

4. Now that I'm back in my flat, I don't have any working scales. It's driving me crazy not knowing how much I weigh. I think you can get them in Boots down the road, so I might walk down in a bit and see if I can buy some. 

But that's all the moaning I'm going to do today. Just had to let that out.

On the plus side, the veganism is still good. It's 3pm and so far I've had 1 cup herbal tea, 1 cup cornflakes (no milk obv), 1 nectarine, 1/2 grapefruit. I'm not planning on eating much more. I might have another cup of cornflakes later but at the moment I feel fine.

I hope you're all having a good day, 

stay strong!

Rachel x

p.s. If anybody needs cheering up, there's this girl who makes YouTube videos called 'my drunk kitchen'. She essentially just gets drunk and cooks shit. They're really funny and even thought they're about food, they always make me smile. Here is one of her more recent ones about (wouldn't you know) vegan cheesecake! Hope it makes you smile:

A tea-rrific day

Today I started my vegan-six-days-a-week diet and so far it's going well. 

I went out with my friend for coffee and I had green tea, they gave it to me in this special tea pot because they used real tea leaves and it was the best tea I've ever drunk. I found out they sell the pots in the cafe, so I bought one! The tea is amazing and also really good for keeping your metabolism going. Tea always makes me feel full also. Maybe that's part of the reason I've had only half a grapefruit and don't feel hungry at all.

Tea leaves in the filter

Mango Tango: DELICIOUS.

(Sorry the pictures are terrible, I took them in my [very messy] kitchen.)

On a downer my flatmate started going on about how it was stupid to be a vegan, and how I would never do it etc. I know she's wrong but it's still annoying. It doesn't help that she's about the thinnest person I've ever met. She has at least 5 guys after her at any one time. She's not a horrible person, it just irritates me when she says really insensitive stuff without even realizing it.

I'll be working tonight, I work in a cocktail bar (so much fun) so that should burn a fair few calories. Although I won't get home till at least 1:30am, so getting up at 7am tomorrow should be fun.

Hope you're all having a great day!

Stay strong

Rachel x

Thoselegs.

There's this boy that I like.

So this weekend has been pretty good to be honest. I managed to keep my intake really low (around 300 calories a day) and danced myself out of my shoes on Saturday night. Who needs the gym?

On a down note, I didn't really get to talk to this guy I kind. I've been into him for a while now, but I've moved away to university and now we're like 2 hours away from each other. Plus we're both pretty shy, and too scared to make the first move. Not overly ideal.

My friends think he likes me too, and we text sometimes, but I don't think anything will ever happen. Which is a shame because we get on really well and have loads in common :((

No idea why I'm posting this on here, I guess I don't really talk about stuff like this very often and putting it out there makes me feel a little better? idk.

I've made a vow to look amazing next time we meet (which wont be for a while seen as I live so far away). 

Anyway, I'm planning on starting my vegan-six-days-a-week diet tomorrow. I've decided on only six days because I think I would go insane if I didn't get to have milk, or dairy at least once a week. Maybe when I've gotten used to it I'll go the whole hog and do a full vegan diet kind of vibe.

Hope you're all doing well! 

Stay strong

Rachel x

Just some party thinspo, I saw so many beautiful people out on Saturday and it spurred me on all the more.

When I'm finally skinny, I want a dress like this.

Everybody's gone surfing, surfing USA.

 Surfing has always been a sport I've wanted to learn, and I've always felt my huge insecurities have held me back. But this summer, I am determined to walk out onto a beach, wearing a swimsuit, and to have the confidence to do it.

Ok seriously, this picture just makes me want to go on holiday. Right now.

wishthiswereme.